


Kneel Before Clod

by Murataku



Category: Duncan & Mallory Series - Robert Asprin & Mel White
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:54:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3247013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Murataku/pseuds/Murataku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sadie is a domestic goddess of chaos and destruction and Bilgewater can’t help but love her/it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kneel Before Clod

**Author's Note:**

> This was my attempt at a more blatantly comedic story. It's the first time I've tried something like this, so please be gentle. This is actually only a mildly over-the-top description of how I mop. I enjoy it immensely, but for some reason never get asked to do it anymore. I wonder why.

Bilgewater had never claimed to know how to mop. As a child he’d been a firm believer in the Dish Fairy and her platoon of household pixies, and therefore it was only long after he’d grown up that he had actually started to associate “that weird thing mum does every other week with the hairy stick and the bucket” with things becoming clean. He would happily admit that his understanding of how to undertake such a task was therefore probably hopelessly mutated. Nevertheless, he was sure it wasn’t done _quite _the way Sadie chose to tackle it.__

__“Tackle” being the operative word here._ _

__The night had started innocently enough. A failed Eat-it-and-Beat-it (which wasn’t even _planned _, they just came in for coffee but then they’d seen the all-you-can-eat bar and hadn’t been able to resist and before they’d known what was happening they’d racked up a bill the size of a particularly large and badly-run country’s national debt. Also a colossal sugar rush, which Bilgewater would much later admit explained a lot) had left them stuck in a locked kitchen cleaning up while a big angry man stood outside the door. Bilgewater had been shoved towards a sink while Sadie had been handed a mop. She had grinned.___ _

____The next five minutes had been a whirl of activity. The tap had been hijacked and made to spew boiling hot water into an enormous bucket, the new bottle of dishwashing liquid had been half-emptied into the same and the whole lot had been plonked haphazardly onto the ground, splashing scalding water and clouds of bubbles everywhere. Finally, Sadie (who he noticed had taken off her shoes and socks and rolled up her trousers) had thrust the old, moth-eaten sponge mop into the mix and set off slapping water round the room. The mop had a clever lever to wring it out but she hardly used it. Instead, she seemed determined to get as much water as she could on the floor, where it would be shoved around by the increasingly filthy mop for a bit and then left to pool until someone disturbed it again by slipping, or in Sadie’s case pretending to ice-skate, through it._ _ _ _

____Bilgewater knew he should be washing up, but it was as if he was glued to the floor, forced to watch in horror as Sadie did her dance of domestic destruction around the kitchen. Filthy, boiling water splashed over his (expensive, dammit) shoes in waves. Dust bunnies clung to onion skins, pieces of paper, old shards of bowl, whatever they could to stay alive. And Sadie, the usually fairly sedate (when she wasn’t throwing things at him in a fit of caffeine deprivation) non-love of the rest of his life was stomping barefoot through the lot, grinning like a child._ _ _ _

____A memory flashed through his head. A photo of a child, ten at the oldest, standing barefoot in a puddle, mop in hand. The girl’s hair was sopping wet, little tendrils sticking to her face like vines, or possibly tentacles. Her trouser legs had been rolled up in an attempt to save them from soggy destruction. On her face was the biggest grin Bilge had ever seen (Except on the loan sharks, but he was hesitant to call those “grins” when all they were really doing was exposing rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth). She looked exactly like Sadie did now, just ( _even _) shorter.___ _ _ _

______Sadie had never talked much about “home”. This didn’t bother Bilgewater, because he’d stopped thinking about _that _the minute he was old enough to walk out the door and keep walking. But Sadie had shown him that photo, just once.___ _ _ _ _ _

_________“It’s from when I was a kid. There were so many of us that housework was really easy, we only got one or two jobs each. I did the mopping. I taught myself, see? Had a bit of fun with it. Nobody minded much.” ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’d wondered what all that meant, and why Sadie was bothering to show him. Though, to be honest, she hadn’t _shown _him, not willingly at least. A more accurate description would that that, in a bid to wake her up, he’d grabbed the first thing he could lay his hands on and held it hostage and that photo had been it. She’d gotten surprisingly sentimental over it, so he’d handed it back and listened to her short story, all nods and interested “oh?”s. And then he’d left the room as quickly as he could, hoping to get out of there before she decided to kill him and make her morning coffee from his ashes. He was glad she had a nice memory of home, even if it _was _one that carried some distressing undertones of neglect. He didn’t have any pictures of himself as a kid. Mostly because nobody bothered to take them._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Bilgewater shook his head. Melodramatic flashbacks had never been part of his (many, many) daydreams and flights of fancy before, and he had no intention of letting them worm their angsty way in now. He cleared his throat and prodded Sadie’s shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Uh, Sade...you sure that’s right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Sure it is. Do I tell you how to wash dishes?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No, not really...”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Well, there you go. Incoming!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Bilgewater dodged left as Sadie thrust the mop in his direction, sending a fresh wave of (by now) liquid dirt surging towards him. After a moment’s consideration, he shrugged, hopped onto the countertop and sat back to watch the show._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Water surged around the room. Clouds of bubbles attached themselves to every available surface, including Sadie’s hair and Bilgewater’s glasses. Hair and food scraps and dust were shoved into piles before being scooped up and thrown in the general direction of the bin. Countertops were mopped, apparently simply because they were there. Eventually, once black droplets of _something _were dripping from almost every surface, Sadie appeared satisfied and the drying began.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Washer after washer was swiped over counters and doors and utensils before being thrown into a pile in Bilgewater’s lap. Bilgewater himself was quickly pulled from his perch and made part of a co-ordinated effort to herd the waves of filth on the floor towards the drain. The room got messier and messier and Bilgewater watched it all in fascination until, finally, Sadie stopped in front of him and surveyed her handiwork._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“All done.” Said Sadie with a grin. “Well, what do you think?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Bilge looked around. Despite their efforts with the towels, there were still puddles of filthy water everywhere. Sodden clumps of lint and hair littered the floor. Bilgewater was speechless._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I…I don’t know what to say…” He bit his lip, trying to think of some way to complement it. “It’s…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The door slammed open and Bilgewater silently thanked everything good and fluffy for his not having to finish that sentence. Sadie made a coffee cup a lethal weapon; he shuddered to think of what she could do with a mop. The manager stood in the doorway, aghast._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What…I….What have you _done _!?” He spluttered. Sadie stepped forward to answer him, one hand pointing surreptitiously at a frying pan and then at the window. Not bothering to nod – they’d been together long enough to be near-telepathic – Bilgewater tucked a towel into his belt, slid a hand slowly towards the frypan and waited.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Well, whaddaya think?” Behind her, Bilgewater clamped a hand over his mouth. He was in the middle of preparing for their grand escape. He did _not _want to draw attention to himself. But, maybe due to shock, he couldn’t stop himself from grinning. The manager, however, wasn’t seeing the funny side.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“M…B…Y….M-My kitchen!” He choked out, before collapsing into the arms of the burly security guard. The guard, not expecting this development and somewhat in shock himself, stumbled backwards and fumbled with his employer’s limp form. Taking his cue, Bilgewater grabbed Sadie’s wrist and tugged her to the side with one hand while hurling the frying pan at the window with the other. Sadie, expecting this, snatched the towel from Bilgewater’s belt and threw it over their heads in preparation for what was about to unfold. A moment later, the room erupted into noise and motion. Broken glass bounced everywhere as the window shattered. The security guard, realising what had happened, dropped his employer and lurched forward only to step on one of the remaining puddles and slide into a counter. Sadie shook the glass shards off the wet towel and threw into onto the dazed guard’s head, disorientating him further. Then she and Bilgewater joined hands and leapt out the broken window to freedom. Soggy, broke freedom covered in cuts, broken glass and stray carrot peelings, but freedom all the same._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________As they ran away, still hand-in-hand as they were too hyped up to let go, Sadie grinned at her partner._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Hey! I think I worked out why he fainted!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Playing along, Bilge tried to look awestruck by this brilliant deduction. This was difficult to pull off while running for his life, but the drama queen in him told him to give it his best shot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Yeah? Tell me, O wise one!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Sadie grinned even wider, and Bilge’s heart skipped. He didn’t care that they had met while simultaneously trying to rob each other. He didn’t care that they were often hungry and tired with only the clothes on their backs and the loaded dice and marked cards in their pockets. He even didn’t care that people occasionally mistook them for lovers when that was most definitely not what was going on here (Not that he knew what _was _going on, but he knew for certain it wasn’t _that _.). He’d been promised the rest of his life, and was getting it._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“You never did finish the washing up!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________And he’d take that over boredom any day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
